Enjoying other people'cleverness.

I have rooted my Nook, and gained access to Android. While I am certainly enjoying the additional functionality, I feel no sense of accomplishment. This is really the efforts of others. To them I say thank you.
We have had a great vacation at Dragon*Con, and as always my wife and I are feeling the need to DO somethung creative. I am really feeling the brewing spirit, so I am going to pour some more effort into my beer brewing.

Once is an oddity, twice a coincidence.

My wife says to me," I believe you need counseling." She is the third woman in my life to have said that.

I have been a little slow...

For the past few weeks, my life hasn't been exactly easy. I have been more angry at my friends than I have ever been. I have felt left out in the cold. It isn't easy to face what I am facing alone. Some clarification is in order.
My parents have never been what anyone would call involved in my life. My Dad was usually focused either on my mother, work or my step-mother and her kids (after the divorce). With the exception of my time playing tee ball baseball, Dad was never interested in doing much with me. I usually spent most of my time with my grandparents at their farm. When I left for college, I rarely heard from either of my folks; until they announced their divorce. After the divorce, I spent some time with Dad until he remarried. Then I got out of their way. Dad had some tough times while I was away, he lost his business and went bankrupt. He went to work for a corporate pharmacy and lost the autonomy that he had enjoyed as an owner. After we reconnected a little, I often heard how he wanted to be involved in my life. In fact I heard this from all my relatives. No one was really interested in actually becoming involved, but they loved to tell me they wanted to. For the most part of all this, I did not care. I had my friends. I had people who wanted to listen and let me listen. We helped each other try to be better people. Being a good person really is not an easy task. Try to define good, seriously try it. Get some paper and pencil and I guarantee it will not really satisfy you. The bible has tons of stuff they say is "good" but that's just rules. They never define good, ever. You would think that would have been high on the priority list. Anyway, my friends were my family. They were my brothers and sisters, lovers and enemies, saints and holy folk. And they left me alone when I really needed them. I looked at my actual brother and sister and they are great people, but I don't know them like I know Josh, Scott or Spinosa. I really needed someone to say," Hey, let's go grab a beer." or "Dude, do you need to get away from this for a few?" and not one of them stepped forward. It hurt and continues to do so.
My wife doesn't really get how I handle my family. Hell, I barely get it sometimes. You just have to remember that your just an observer. They like to talk and eat together, then we all separate and no one has to do anything that might actually inconvenience them. It's easier that way.

A long vigil.

My father passed away on April twenty-third at about six in the morning. His fight with cancer finally is over. My brother, sister, step-mother and I help vigil over him for the last week. I spent a lot of time very quietly listening to my family. I heard several stories about my dad and my siblings even my step-siblings. I also heard the stories about trips he wanted to take with me, such as a fishing expedition to the Boundary Waters Canoe Area. In most cases, dad never asked me to go or if he had it was the week before we would have had to leave. I didn't have the heart to tell my family about it. Mostly I just joined in the good memories, but I still felt the sting of the bad times. Most of all, I felt how much of a loss my dad will be to me. The priest at Saint James stated that when we come to Communion, we should bring all of ourselves to Christ. We should give our pain, and joy to him; our suffering; or gladness. We should empty our lives to the altar of the sacrifice. This both comforts me, and frightens me.

Joy and Sorrow.

Yesterday was Palm Sunday at church. Among the Episcopalians, it is a joyful day. We celebrate the arrival of Christ in Jerusalem with noise makers, palm cross', and a reading of the Passion. It has always been one of my more favorite services. I could barely keep from crying this time.
My father is dying. In the very real "death bed" sense. I had dreams of him, my son, and me going fishing, car camping, and my dad teaching him to throw a baseball. All of those hopes are gone now. I do not see him ever rising from this bed. He has gotten so weak, he can not even speak. We have to get him to squeeze our hands to understand his wants. I have never felt so far away from him.
He has been angry this past week. I get why: he is dying and we cannot understand that until we are there. Anger is just the symptom of his fear. He has always claimed to be unafraid of death, but now he is at its door and he is unsure. That in a nutshell is the difference between belief and knowledge.

I'm on a tear.

I know I'm posting more than normal this week, but I have a lot going through my mind this week. We are discussing putting my father into hospice. If he goes in, then I know he will never come out. It's a hard thing to look at losing your father, and having to think it might be a good thing. He is in an immense amount of pain these days.
I have been getting short with my wife lately. Mostly, whenever she asks me to do something it comes out bossy as hell. I snap right back at that. Also whenever she looks at my chores, I feel like she is looking for the flaws. It upsets me. She is my wife, not my nanny or keeper. It is just getting harder and harder to not get mad.
On the bright side, I might have made it back into my boss' good graces. More on that later.

What is that worth.....

As much as I love my father, there are many things about my past with him that annoy me. The biggest is that no matter what I did or do, no matter what skill I was studying,  he would always ask me," Well what is that worth?" When I studied karate, he ask me that and no matter the answer, he would say," But someone with a gun makes that worthless." When I took up track and was training to run the mile, he would sneer," Just learn to drive a car." I was always trying to find a lesson in those challenges, I was always questioning my own conclusions. That is actually the only good thing to come from that.
I missed out getting to run so much as the five kilometer race today. I could blame life just getting in the way, but really it was just my laziness. I am going to have to make the time to exercise. I will run a half marathon before this year is over. I will be able to ride my bicycle to and from work. I will learn to paddle whitewater with some confidence. These things I swear to myself.
By the way, if you are using Chrome as a web browser get the typing tutorial from their web app store. It has done wonders for my typing. I almost have my pinky finger working.

Sorry for missing the past week.

My wife and I went camping in the Smoky's the past weekend. It was not my finest hour. First we had a strap come loose on the canoe, which promptly got caught on a tire. The strap pulled the canoe over a bit and broke one of the thwarts and a bit of the gunwale. We decided to press on. My wife's right sandal broke when we got to the dock, and it was her only pair of shoes. Still we pressed on. When we reached Eagle creek, the lake was down and we had to portage in. We had a nice time camping, and even made love in the tent since we were so far from anybody else. Then first thing in the morning, as we set out to leave, we tipped the canoe over. Mountain creeks are very cold this time of year and Eagle creek is no exception. So we pulled ourselves back together changed clothes and paddled out just ahead of a rain storm. Despite the hardships, it was a wonderful time, and I highly recommend going camping there.

The Covenant Health Marathon is next week, and I will not be participating. I wish I was but I fell off my training during the snows in January and could never seem to catch back up. I am going to have to do something to start exercising more though. I am thinking about getting the latest Wii Fit game and giving it a try. Also I need to start jogging with my dog once a week. April fifteenth is coming soon, and I must be in shape by then if I am going to commute by bicycle.

Oh and by the way.

View from Gregory's Bald.

Sunset.

Running late.

It's been a busy week. My wife's great-aunt Helen turned a hundred this weekend. I had to help out. Also, my father-in-law had his birthday this weekend. We did make it to church on Sunday, and have started the inquirer's class at Saint James Episcopal.
My training this past week has not been to bad. I got four and a half miles running, and a full strength training in. My knee is holding up fine as long as I wrap it. My wife has told me she does not think I'll be ready for a half marathon later this month, but I don't know. If my knee holds, I think I can. I guess we shall see.
I was thinking the other day (and more on this later) that the new geek is getting healthier, but still not becoming a "jock".

Finding old allies, and wishing I could find more...

Many days, I think to myself that what I really seek is just to be a better man. I have seen many books on the nature of evil, but very few on the nature of good. It just isn't easy to think about. Evil by its nature corrupts, so even good works can have their purpose turned. This is one aspect of Zen that I love, it accepts that any thing man made can be corrupted and thus everything should be finite. I just don't know some days, though. I have to stop and think for some time to decide if something is good or just good enough. It is in times of doubt that I turn to church. I never turn to God, He is always with me and no matter how hard we try we can not escape ourselves.So now I find my family attending St. James Episcopal. I like the crowd there, friendly but unassuming.
My Dad is sick again. He has been having trouble sleeping, but now he has a fever and has stopped eating. I wish I knew more to be able to help, but I don't. I just want him to come back out into the light again, to feel the world, or know his grandson's joy. I am selfish and childish in that regard. I just want my Dad, even though I know he hurts, even though he is weak, even though he gets lonely, I want my Dad to live. I'm not ready to be alone.
In the end , and through all, I will continue to try and be better.

Sunday updates.

I have been remiss in keeping this blog up, but I will give it another try (or a few if necessary). I fell off my physical training after I returned to work, but I have picked it back up over the past few months. I continue to be a minimalist shoe runner, but I have a distance limit of about six to eight miles. My arches just don't seem to be able to last past that distance. I also found out I am not strong enough to do twenty push-ups, so something else for me to work on.
My son is my yardstick for endurance, he never stops moving; and my father is my inspiration. After Dad had his surgery for cancer, he has been having a tough time recovering. He complains that he doesn't have the strength, but does nothing to try to get stronger. I look at him and I just want to be better. I don't want my son to feel the fear for his father that I feel for mine whenever I hug Dad. Maybe I'm just selfish, maybe I am a monster but I will find the strength to fight when my time comes.
I took my friend Mike Hulslander hiking to Gregory's Bald a few weeks ago. It was gorgeous and truly humbling in the size of the landscape once we reached the top. It was also cold as balls, Mike had hip problems, and the spring was frozen over so there was no water up there except for snow. I am planning to hike back into that area with my father-in-law, but Mike has sworn off backcountry camping in the winter (possibly for any season).
Well till next Sunday, be good.