My wife says to me," I believe you need counseling." She is the third woman in my life to have said that.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
I have been a little slow...
For the past few weeks, my life hasn't been exactly easy. I have been more angry at my friends than I have ever been. I have felt left out in the cold. It isn't easy to face what I am facing alone. Some clarification is in order.
My parents have never been what anyone would call involved in my life. My Dad was usually focused either on my mother, work or my step-mother and her kids (after the divorce). With the exception of my time playing tee ball baseball, Dad was never interested in doing much with me. I usually spent most of my time with my grandparents at their farm. When I left for college, I rarely heard from either of my folks; until they announced their divorce. After the divorce, I spent some time with Dad until he remarried. Then I got out of their way. Dad had some tough times while I was away, he lost his business and went bankrupt. He went to work for a corporate pharmacy and lost the autonomy that he had enjoyed as an owner. After we reconnected a little, I often heard how he wanted to be involved in my life. In fact I heard this from all my relatives. No one was really interested in actually becoming involved, but they loved to tell me they wanted to. For the most part of all this, I did not care. I had my friends. I had people who wanted to listen and let me listen. We helped each other try to be better people. Being a good person really is not an easy task. Try to define good, seriously try it. Get some paper and pencil and I guarantee it will not really satisfy you. The bible has tons of stuff they say is "good" but that's just rules. They never define good, ever. You would think that would have been high on the priority list. Anyway, my friends were my family. They were my brothers and sisters, lovers and enemies, saints and holy folk. And they left me alone when I really needed them. I looked at my actual brother and sister and they are great people, but I don't know them like I know Josh, Scott or Spinosa. I really needed someone to say," Hey, let's go grab a beer." or "Dude, do you need to get away from this for a few?" and not one of them stepped forward. It hurt and continues to do so.
My wife doesn't really get how I handle my family. Hell, I barely get it sometimes. You just have to remember that your just an observer. They like to talk and eat together, then we all separate and no one has to do anything that might actually inconvenience them. It's easier that way.
My parents have never been what anyone would call involved in my life. My Dad was usually focused either on my mother, work or my step-mother and her kids (after the divorce). With the exception of my time playing tee ball baseball, Dad was never interested in doing much with me. I usually spent most of my time with my grandparents at their farm. When I left for college, I rarely heard from either of my folks; until they announced their divorce. After the divorce, I spent some time with Dad until he remarried. Then I got out of their way. Dad had some tough times while I was away, he lost his business and went bankrupt. He went to work for a corporate pharmacy and lost the autonomy that he had enjoyed as an owner. After we reconnected a little, I often heard how he wanted to be involved in my life. In fact I heard this from all my relatives. No one was really interested in actually becoming involved, but they loved to tell me they wanted to. For the most part of all this, I did not care. I had my friends. I had people who wanted to listen and let me listen. We helped each other try to be better people. Being a good person really is not an easy task. Try to define good, seriously try it. Get some paper and pencil and I guarantee it will not really satisfy you. The bible has tons of stuff they say is "good" but that's just rules. They never define good, ever. You would think that would have been high on the priority list. Anyway, my friends were my family. They were my brothers and sisters, lovers and enemies, saints and holy folk. And they left me alone when I really needed them. I looked at my actual brother and sister and they are great people, but I don't know them like I know Josh, Scott or Spinosa. I really needed someone to say," Hey, let's go grab a beer." or "Dude, do you need to get away from this for a few?" and not one of them stepped forward. It hurt and continues to do so.
My wife doesn't really get how I handle my family. Hell, I barely get it sometimes. You just have to remember that your just an observer. They like to talk and eat together, then we all separate and no one has to do anything that might actually inconvenience them. It's easier that way.
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