Enjoying other people'cleverness.

I have rooted my Nook, and gained access to Android. While I am certainly enjoying the additional functionality, I feel no sense of accomplishment. This is really the efforts of others. To them I say thank you.
We have had a great vacation at Dragon*Con, and as always my wife and I are feeling the need to DO somethung creative. I am really feeling the brewing spirit, so I am going to pour some more effort into my beer brewing.

Once is an oddity, twice a coincidence.

My wife says to me," I believe you need counseling." She is the third woman in my life to have said that.

I have been a little slow...

For the past few weeks, my life hasn't been exactly easy. I have been more angry at my friends than I have ever been. I have felt left out in the cold. It isn't easy to face what I am facing alone. Some clarification is in order.
My parents have never been what anyone would call involved in my life. My Dad was usually focused either on my mother, work or my step-mother and her kids (after the divorce). With the exception of my time playing tee ball baseball, Dad was never interested in doing much with me. I usually spent most of my time with my grandparents at their farm. When I left for college, I rarely heard from either of my folks; until they announced their divorce. After the divorce, I spent some time with Dad until he remarried. Then I got out of their way. Dad had some tough times while I was away, he lost his business and went bankrupt. He went to work for a corporate pharmacy and lost the autonomy that he had enjoyed as an owner. After we reconnected a little, I often heard how he wanted to be involved in my life. In fact I heard this from all my relatives. No one was really interested in actually becoming involved, but they loved to tell me they wanted to. For the most part of all this, I did not care. I had my friends. I had people who wanted to listen and let me listen. We helped each other try to be better people. Being a good person really is not an easy task. Try to define good, seriously try it. Get some paper and pencil and I guarantee it will not really satisfy you. The bible has tons of stuff they say is "good" but that's just rules. They never define good, ever. You would think that would have been high on the priority list. Anyway, my friends were my family. They were my brothers and sisters, lovers and enemies, saints and holy folk. And they left me alone when I really needed them. I looked at my actual brother and sister and they are great people, but I don't know them like I know Josh, Scott or Spinosa. I really needed someone to say," Hey, let's go grab a beer." or "Dude, do you need to get away from this for a few?" and not one of them stepped forward. It hurt and continues to do so.
My wife doesn't really get how I handle my family. Hell, I barely get it sometimes. You just have to remember that your just an observer. They like to talk and eat together, then we all separate and no one has to do anything that might actually inconvenience them. It's easier that way.

A long vigil.

My father passed away on April twenty-third at about six in the morning. His fight with cancer finally is over. My brother, sister, step-mother and I help vigil over him for the last week. I spent a lot of time very quietly listening to my family. I heard several stories about my dad and my siblings even my step-siblings. I also heard the stories about trips he wanted to take with me, such as a fishing expedition to the Boundary Waters Canoe Area. In most cases, dad never asked me to go or if he had it was the week before we would have had to leave. I didn't have the heart to tell my family about it. Mostly I just joined in the good memories, but I still felt the sting of the bad times. Most of all, I felt how much of a loss my dad will be to me. The priest at Saint James stated that when we come to Communion, we should bring all of ourselves to Christ. We should give our pain, and joy to him; our suffering; or gladness. We should empty our lives to the altar of the sacrifice. This both comforts me, and frightens me.

Joy and Sorrow.

Yesterday was Palm Sunday at church. Among the Episcopalians, it is a joyful day. We celebrate the arrival of Christ in Jerusalem with noise makers, palm cross', and a reading of the Passion. It has always been one of my more favorite services. I could barely keep from crying this time.
My father is dying. In the very real "death bed" sense. I had dreams of him, my son, and me going fishing, car camping, and my dad teaching him to throw a baseball. All of those hopes are gone now. I do not see him ever rising from this bed. He has gotten so weak, he can not even speak. We have to get him to squeeze our hands to understand his wants. I have never felt so far away from him.
He has been angry this past week. I get why: he is dying and we cannot understand that until we are there. Anger is just the symptom of his fear. He has always claimed to be unafraid of death, but now he is at its door and he is unsure. That in a nutshell is the difference between belief and knowledge.

I'm on a tear.

I know I'm posting more than normal this week, but I have a lot going through my mind this week. We are discussing putting my father into hospice. If he goes in, then I know he will never come out. It's a hard thing to look at losing your father, and having to think it might be a good thing. He is in an immense amount of pain these days.
I have been getting short with my wife lately. Mostly, whenever she asks me to do something it comes out bossy as hell. I snap right back at that. Also whenever she looks at my chores, I feel like she is looking for the flaws. It upsets me. She is my wife, not my nanny or keeper. It is just getting harder and harder to not get mad.
On the bright side, I might have made it back into my boss' good graces. More on that later.

What is that worth.....

As much as I love my father, there are many things about my past with him that annoy me. The biggest is that no matter what I did or do, no matter what skill I was studying,  he would always ask me," Well what is that worth?" When I studied karate, he ask me that and no matter the answer, he would say," But someone with a gun makes that worthless." When I took up track and was training to run the mile, he would sneer," Just learn to drive a car." I was always trying to find a lesson in those challenges, I was always questioning my own conclusions. That is actually the only good thing to come from that.
I missed out getting to run so much as the five kilometer race today. I could blame life just getting in the way, but really it was just my laziness. I am going to have to make the time to exercise. I will run a half marathon before this year is over. I will be able to ride my bicycle to and from work. I will learn to paddle whitewater with some confidence. These things I swear to myself.
By the way, if you are using Chrome as a web browser get the typing tutorial from their web app store. It has done wonders for my typing. I almost have my pinky finger working.