Finding old allies, and wishing I could find more...

Many days, I think to myself that what I really seek is just to be a better man. I have seen many books on the nature of evil, but very few on the nature of good. It just isn't easy to think about. Evil by its nature corrupts, so even good works can have their purpose turned. This is one aspect of Zen that I love, it accepts that any thing man made can be corrupted and thus everything should be finite. I just don't know some days, though. I have to stop and think for some time to decide if something is good or just good enough. It is in times of doubt that I turn to church. I never turn to God, He is always with me and no matter how hard we try we can not escape ourselves.So now I find my family attending St. James Episcopal. I like the crowd there, friendly but unassuming.
My Dad is sick again. He has been having trouble sleeping, but now he has a fever and has stopped eating. I wish I knew more to be able to help, but I don't. I just want him to come back out into the light again, to feel the world, or know his grandson's joy. I am selfish and childish in that regard. I just want my Dad, even though I know he hurts, even though he is weak, even though he gets lonely, I want my Dad to live. I'm not ready to be alone.
In the end , and through all, I will continue to try and be better.

Sunday updates.

I have been remiss in keeping this blog up, but I will give it another try (or a few if necessary). I fell off my physical training after I returned to work, but I have picked it back up over the past few months. I continue to be a minimalist shoe runner, but I have a distance limit of about six to eight miles. My arches just don't seem to be able to last past that distance. I also found out I am not strong enough to do twenty push-ups, so something else for me to work on.
My son is my yardstick for endurance, he never stops moving; and my father is my inspiration. After Dad had his surgery for cancer, he has been having a tough time recovering. He complains that he doesn't have the strength, but does nothing to try to get stronger. I look at him and I just want to be better. I don't want my son to feel the fear for his father that I feel for mine whenever I hug Dad. Maybe I'm just selfish, maybe I am a monster but I will find the strength to fight when my time comes.
I took my friend Mike Hulslander hiking to Gregory's Bald a few weeks ago. It was gorgeous and truly humbling in the size of the landscape once we reached the top. It was also cold as balls, Mike had hip problems, and the spring was frozen over so there was no water up there except for snow. I am planning to hike back into that area with my father-in-law, but Mike has sworn off backcountry camping in the winter (possibly for any season).
Well till next Sunday, be good.