Many days, I think to myself that what I really seek is just to be a better man. I have seen many books on the nature of evil, but very few on the nature of good. It just isn't easy to think about. Evil by its nature corrupts, so even good works can have their purpose turned. This is one aspect of Zen that I love, it accepts that any thing man made can be corrupted and thus everything should be finite. I just don't know some days, though. I have to stop and think for some time to decide if something is good or just good enough. It is in times of doubt that I turn to church. I never turn to God, He is always with me and no matter how hard we try we can not escape ourselves.So now I find my family attending St. James Episcopal. I like the crowd there, friendly but unassuming.
My Dad is sick again. He has been having trouble sleeping, but now he has a fever and has stopped eating. I wish I knew more to be able to help, but I don't. I just want him to come back out into the light again, to feel the world, or know his grandson's joy. I am selfish and childish in that regard. I just want my Dad, even though I know he hurts, even though he is weak, even though he gets lonely, I want my Dad to live. I'm not ready to be alone.
In the end , and through all, I will continue to try and be better.
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