A long vigil.

My father passed away on April twenty-third at about six in the morning. His fight with cancer finally is over. My brother, sister, step-mother and I help vigil over him for the last week. I spent a lot of time very quietly listening to my family. I heard several stories about my dad and my siblings even my step-siblings. I also heard the stories about trips he wanted to take with me, such as a fishing expedition to the Boundary Waters Canoe Area. In most cases, dad never asked me to go or if he had it was the week before we would have had to leave. I didn't have the heart to tell my family about it. Mostly I just joined in the good memories, but I still felt the sting of the bad times. Most of all, I felt how much of a loss my dad will be to me. The priest at Saint James stated that when we come to Communion, we should bring all of ourselves to Christ. We should give our pain, and joy to him; our suffering; or gladness. We should empty our lives to the altar of the sacrifice. This both comforts me, and frightens me.

Joy and Sorrow.

Yesterday was Palm Sunday at church. Among the Episcopalians, it is a joyful day. We celebrate the arrival of Christ in Jerusalem with noise makers, palm cross', and a reading of the Passion. It has always been one of my more favorite services. I could barely keep from crying this time.
My father is dying. In the very real "death bed" sense. I had dreams of him, my son, and me going fishing, car camping, and my dad teaching him to throw a baseball. All of those hopes are gone now. I do not see him ever rising from this bed. He has gotten so weak, he can not even speak. We have to get him to squeeze our hands to understand his wants. I have never felt so far away from him.
He has been angry this past week. I get why: he is dying and we cannot understand that until we are there. Anger is just the symptom of his fear. He has always claimed to be unafraid of death, but now he is at its door and he is unsure. That in a nutshell is the difference between belief and knowledge.

I'm on a tear.

I know I'm posting more than normal this week, but I have a lot going through my mind this week. We are discussing putting my father into hospice. If he goes in, then I know he will never come out. It's a hard thing to look at losing your father, and having to think it might be a good thing. He is in an immense amount of pain these days.
I have been getting short with my wife lately. Mostly, whenever she asks me to do something it comes out bossy as hell. I snap right back at that. Also whenever she looks at my chores, I feel like she is looking for the flaws. It upsets me. She is my wife, not my nanny or keeper. It is just getting harder and harder to not get mad.
On the bright side, I might have made it back into my boss' good graces. More on that later.

What is that worth.....

As much as I love my father, there are many things about my past with him that annoy me. The biggest is that no matter what I did or do, no matter what skill I was studying,  he would always ask me," Well what is that worth?" When I studied karate, he ask me that and no matter the answer, he would say," But someone with a gun makes that worthless." When I took up track and was training to run the mile, he would sneer," Just learn to drive a car." I was always trying to find a lesson in those challenges, I was always questioning my own conclusions. That is actually the only good thing to come from that.
I missed out getting to run so much as the five kilometer race today. I could blame life just getting in the way, but really it was just my laziness. I am going to have to make the time to exercise. I will run a half marathon before this year is over. I will be able to ride my bicycle to and from work. I will learn to paddle whitewater with some confidence. These things I swear to myself.
By the way, if you are using Chrome as a web browser get the typing tutorial from their web app store. It has done wonders for my typing. I almost have my pinky finger working.